


Unsteady

by Kkane88



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, insecure jamie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22780837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88
Summary: Jamie thinks he isn't good enough for Tyler.
Relationships: Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 118





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> Please pay attention to the tags!

Jamie knows he has some issues. He's always been shy and awkward and insecure about pretty much everything. He spent years being called "Chubbs" and worrying about his weight. He almost didn't accept the C because he felt like he didn't deserve it- and now the fans are saying it should be stripped from him. He got a few awesome years of playing in the NHL with his brother, and then his brother got traded. If it weren't for Tyler, he doesn't know what he would do.

He found a good thing with Tyler. He finally found someone he could share his insecurities with- someone who not only understood him but somehow made Jamie forget everything he was worried about. Jamie almost couldn't believe it when they started dating. He felt like he didn't deserve someone as sweet and happy and amazing as Tyler.

Tyler, who always takes the time during sex to kiss every inch of Jamie's body to make sure he knows he's loved. Tyler, who wakes up in the mornings they're together whispering words of love and encouragement in Jamie's ear. Tyler, who wears the A and helps bear the responsibility of leading the team when Jamie feels like he's going to drown.

Jamie knows he puts a lot of pressure on Tyler, but he really tries to give Tyler support in return. He's not very good at it, but he tries.

So when he lets himself into Tyler's house unannounced one morning to surprise him with breakfast and hears Tyler on the phone in the kitchen, he's ready to go wait elsewhere to let Tyler have his conversation in private.

Until he hears what Tyler's saying.

"I mean, I love him, but it's so exhausting sometimes. He constantly needs reassurance and sometimes I feel like I can't handle it." A pause. "I can't just _talk to him_ about it, Brownie. He'd be crushed if I told him any of this." And yes, Jamie would be crushed- if that's what you can call the tight feeling in his chest and the way his hands have started shaking. "He _does try_ , okay? He always makes sure he tells me how much he loves me and appreciates me. I'm not, like, unfulfilled or anything. I just need another outlet sometimes, okay? This is just me venting." Another pause. "I didn't really mean that I can't handle it, I just- sometimes I get overwhelmed and I can't go to him for support because he's the one that's overwhelming me."

Jamie doesn't want to hear any more. He quietly leaves the house, gets into his car, and keeps his mind carefully blank as he drives back home. He barely makes it into the driveway before a sob tears itself out of his throat. Then he can't stop the tears. He covers his face with his shaking hands and cries and cries and cries until he can't breathe. He thinks this is maybe what a panic attack is like.

Tyler can't handle him. The one person Jamie thought actually understood him- turns out Jamie's been a burden on him the whole time.

He forces his thoughts into the present moment- takes his hands away from his face, focuses on his fingers, counting them over and over again until he feels like he can breathe again. Finally gets out of his car and goes inside, stands in the hallway staring at the wall. He doesn't know what to do. They have practice in an hour and he really needs to get himself under control- doesn't know if he can face Tyler right now. He already knows he's going to be a mess at practice. Just something else he can fuck up.

He takes another shower, scrubbing his face so it's less obvious that he was crying, and puts in some eye drops to try to make his eyes look less red. He goes go the rink early, already changed and on the ice by the time everyone else shows up. The guys tease him but he ignores them. Tyler skates over and tries to nudge him, but Jamie skates away without a word. He doesn't know what to say, but he knows he can't handle Tyler touching him right now. He doesn't speak a word the whole practice. Tyler's hovering, looking concerned, opening his mouth every once in awhile like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. Jamie's grateful.

In the locker room, Tyler's still hovering, looking more and more concerned as Jamie continues to ignore him. Tyler showers and gets changed in record time. He's sitting in Jamie's stall when he comes back from his own shower. Jamie stands in front of him, lips pressed tightly together and eyes on the floor, not sure what to say.

"Are you alright?" Tyler asks quietly, reaching out a hand to grab his wrist. Jamie jerks away and Tyler looks wounded and that's just _great_. He never meant to put Tyler through this. He can't make his own boyfriend happy and now he's making it even worse. Maybe he should just let Tyler go. Release him from the responsibility of being Jamie's caretaker. Tyler stands and moves out of Jamie's way, but doesn't go far. Jamie tries to make himself speak, to tell Tyler he's fine and he's sorry and he loves him, but he can't. He's proving Tyler's point. He's high-maintenance and pathetic and can't make Tyler happy. He finishes getting dressed and packing his bag and turns to face Tyler. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Blinks. Tyler takes a step closer and Jamie notices that the room has cleared out, leaving the two of them alone. He wonders what he was projecting to make everyone else flee so quickly.

"Do you wanna come over?" Tyler tries again, but he must see the panic on Jamie's face because he continues. "Or we can go to your place. Or out to lunch? Whatever you want." He looks earnest and… and _scared._ Jamie feels tears flooding his eyes again and blinks them back. He wants to make Tyler happy- wants to agree so Tyler stops looking so afraid- but if he's going to be more self-sufficient he needs to start taking care of himself and spending the day with Tyler while he feels so raw and hurt is the last things he wants to do right now. He's thankful they don't have a game tonight.

"No," he says gruffly, clears his throat. "I'm gonna- I'm gonna go home. Alone." Tyler's face falls even more but he nods. He reaches out to Jamie again, slowly like he's waiting for Jamie to pull back again. This time, Jamie doesn't. He's denied Tyler enough today, he doesn't think he could do it again. Tyler pulls him into a loose hug and Jamie slumps against him, soaking up the strength in Tyler's touch and the warmth of his skin. Taking even _more_ from Tyler. _All he does is take_. He pulls away.

"I love you," Tyler says, looking Jamie straight in the eye like he's willing him to believe it. "Call me if you need anything or want to talk or something." Jamie nods. He's not going to call.

When he gets home he does consider calling Jordie or his mom. He wonders if he could work through his feelings if he could talk them out with someone. He even considers calling Tyson.

He doesn't call anyone, too embarrassed to admit that he's so messed up that his own boyfriend can't deal with him. They had all been thrilled when he told them about him and Tyler getting together, especially after Jordie left. They didn't worry so much about him being left without a support system. But the more he thinks about it, the more he comes to one conclusion.

He has to break up with Tyler. He has to let him go- let him find someone who isn't toxic. Someone who makes him happy. Jamie can deal with being alone if it means that Tyler's happy.

He sends the text.

_I think we should break up._

He doesn't get a response right away. He doesn't know what he expected. It's not like Tyler's sitting by the phone waiting for Jamie's messages. He doesn't know what Tyler's going to say. Is he going to put up some token protests, trying to make Jamie feel like he wants to stay, until he gives in? Is he going to just agree? Tell Jamie he appreciates him as a teammate and he hopes they can still be friends?

He doesn't expect Tyler to show up on his doorstep, wide-eyed and looking like he's confronting a skittish animal. Jamie stares at him.

"Can I come in?" Tyler asks softly, hands clasped in front of him like he's trying to reassure Jamie he's not going to try to touch him. Jamie opens the door wider and steps out of the way. Tyler heads straight for the living room and sits on the edge of the couch, tense and unsure. Jamie follows him, sits as far away as possible. His heart is beating so hard he feels like it's going to burst out of his chest.

"I was going to give you space," Tyler starts, a little manic. "But then I saw your message and I don't _understand_ , Jamie. We were great yesterday and then today you're telling me you want to break up? I mean, I'm not gonna force you to be with me, but I at least what to know what _happened_." And dammit, Tyler looks like he's going to _cry_ and Jamie _did that to him_.

"I love you," he tries to reassure, but Tyler looks even more sad and confused. He stands up and starts pacing and Jamie stands too, feeling anxious.

"Then what's going on? Did I do something?" Tyler pauses a few feet from Jamie and looks at him earnestly. "Whatever it is I can fix it. This is the first real relationship I've been in so I know I'm probably screwing stuff up, but if you just tell me what it is, I can be better." Jamie had no intention of mentioning the phone call, but he can't bring himself to lie to Tyler when Tyler feels like he's the one at fault. Jamie owes him the truth, at least.

"I heard you on the phone," he admits quietly. Tyler looks confused, reaches out to Jamie but lets his hand fall when Jamie takes a step away. "This morning, with Brownie. You said you couldn't handle it- handle _me._ " Jamie's voice breaks and he swallows hard, watches as Tyler's face becomes _horrified_.

"No! Jamie, no!" Tyler sounds panicked, desperate. "That's not what I meant! That's not-" he moves forward and grasps Jamie's hands before he has a chance to move away. Tyler starts to cry, not even seeming to realize it. "Oh god, I didn't mean for you to hear that."

"It's okay," Jamie says, even as he knows it really isn't. This whole thing is a mess. "Don't cry, Ty. I'm not mad at you."

"You fucking should be," Tyler argues, tears still streaming down his face.

"I just want you to be happy," Jamie chokes out, starting to cry himself. "And if that's not with me, then that's fine. You should be with someone who makes you happy."

"You _do_ , Jamie! You make me so fucking happy." Tyler's vehemence startles Jamie. "What I said this morning-" he takes step closer, gripping Jamie's hands tighter. "Look, I love that you trust me, and I _love you._ I'm just not used to being in the kind of relationship where people rely on each other for things like emotional support. It's never been this serious with anyone else. I've never been so afraid of _messing things up_ with anyone else."

"You said I constantly need reassurance and it's exhausting," Jamie reminds him, eyes on the floor. "You said I'm overwhelming." Tyler's quiet for a minute.

"I did say that," Tyler admits. "And I'm not going to lie to you and pretend that I didn't mean it. Sometimes it is exhausting. But, Jamie, all relationships are exhausting. There are gonna be things about me that get on your nerves, too." He reaches up with one hand and guides Jamie's face up so they're making eye contact. "I like that I can be your safe space. You're my safe space, too. If reassurance is what you need, I want to be able to give it to you." Jamie has to take a deep breath. If they're both taking the opportunity to be completely honest with each other, then he can't hold anything back here.

"I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about what you said for a long time." Jamie manages to hold eye contact with Tyler even though everything in him is screaming to look away, to hide. "I'm going to constantly be worried that I'm overwhelming you or making you unhappy."

"Can you hug me, please?" Tyler asks, looking unbearably sad. Jamie opens his arms and Tyler practically falls into them, burying his face against Jamie's shoulder. Jamie can feel him shaking and feels a second of relief, of being able to be the one to give Tyler comfort this time.

"Is there anything I can do to try and start to make this better?" Tyler asks, voice muffled.

"I think this conversation has helped a lot," Jamie admits. He doesn't feel quite like the world is ending anymore. Seeing how upset Tyler is at the thought of losing him, and Tyler not trying to defend himself or pretend he didn't say anything hurtful, has soothed some of Jamie's fears. He's not anywhere near okay, but he thinks for the first time since this morning that maybe this is something they can figure out. "The honesty is good- being able to actually say what we're feeling. If you could tell me when I'm being too much, maybe we can find a way to deal with it." Suddenly, he has an idea. "Maybe I should start seeing a therapist."

"Is that what you want?" Tyler asks, pulling back to look Jamie in the eye.  
"I think so." Jamie nods. "I think it would probably help to talk to someone outside of our relationship. And then maybe I wouldn't put so much pressure on you," he explains. "Ease the strain a little bit."

"If that's what you want, I'll support you," Tyler says. "I want this to work, Jamie. You and me, I mean."

"I want us to work, too." Jamie reassures him. "I just feel like I keep taking from you and I'm not giving anything back."

"I don't feel that way," Tyler says, and Jamie scoffs. " _Jamie_ , we're being completely honest with each other right now, remember? I've _never_ felt that way. You and me? We're solid. You're my biggest support, and I'm yours, yeah?"

"It doesn't feel that way right now," Jamie admits, ducking his head. Tyler moves in close again, wraps his arms around Jamie.

"So we're having a hiccup. It happens. But no matter what, I've got you. And I know you've got me." Jamie feels something settle in him. Somehow he didn't completely screw this up and he lets himself believe that maybe they can get through this.

"Tyler, I love you," he says with as much conviction as he can put into his voice. Tyler turns his head and kisses Jamie's cheek.

"I love you, too, J."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr:  
> [kkane88](https://kkane88.tumblr.com/)  
> [kwriteshockey](https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com//)


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